katinator44: (self portrait)
katinator44 ([personal profile] katinator44) wrote2016-02-18 07:49 pm

Introduction Post

Name
Kathryn Marie (Hispanic last name)
Also, lots of people call me Kat as well as Kathryn.  Only my family calls me Katie but I really don't identify with that name.  So feel free to call me Kathryn or Kat but not Katie.

Birthday
January 26, 1991

Location
Currently I live about 45 minutes away from Sacramento.  However, I was born in Barberton, OH and lived there until I was 13.  Then we moved to Sugarcreek, OH (small town of about 2,000 people in the heart of Amish country) and I reluctantly lived there until I went to college in Aurora, IL.  Then I moved to California in 2011 where I am now.

Family

My mom, Jayne
My mom is the strongest woman I know.  She went through so much in her life and yet she still works hard and pushes forward.  My dad divorced her when I was 5 and while she was pregnant with my brother.  After that she stepped up and filled the roles of father and mother.  She worked hard every day, sometimes to her wits end, to make sure we were happy and healthy.  She was a Mennonite pastor all my life and, of course, she had us attend Mennonite churches when we were young.  (For anyone who doesn't know Mennonites are like less strict Amish.  They are Christians who practice Pacifism and peace and modesty.)  Currently she is a chaplain at Hospice and isn't pastoring, though she desperately wants to pastor again.  Circumstances with her last church forced he to work part time as a pastor and part time as a Chaplain until she eventually left the church to be a full time Chaplain.  Unfortunately she's having a hard time finding work as a pastor because she is a divorced woman with experience (which means higher pay).

When I was a teenager and trying to figure myself out, I fell upon some opinions and outlooks she didn't like.  It created some tension between us for awhile.  I felt like she didn't accept me and was trying to force me back into the box she tried to raise me to stay in.  We disagreed on my religion and my relationship with Garry.  And as an adult I understand she only wanted what was best for me, but there are some things she didn't handle well.  She would often try to invalidate my opinions by constantly telling me that my brain wasn't fully developed and it wouldn't be until 21 (which as I got closer to that was raised to 25).  That always hurt and it always made me angry.  It felt like she wasn't respecting our differences and she wasn't respecting me as a human being.  I don't hold them against her, though.  I was young and she was my mother.  She just wanted me to be safe and happy and have a good future.

My mom lives in Canton, Ohio right now.  She was born near Pittsburgh, PA on a small farm in the middle of nowhere and spent most of her life in that area.  She is the second oldest of 7 kids and the oldest daughter.  Her father was abusive and had paranoid schizophrenia which she had to witness and protect her siblings from as she grew up.  She then went to nursing school for awhile before realizing it wasn't what she wanted to do.  Eventually she discovered a passion for the ministry and got her degree to become a Mennonite pastor.  She met my dad and they were married in 1984 and moved to Barberton, OH where they eventually went on to have myself, my sister, and my brother before getting divorced.  She lives alone for most of the year now with her cats, Faitho and Baby.  Unfortunately because I live so far away I only see her once a year or so.

My dad, Mike
My dad's life and my relationship with him is complicated.  He was born in Ohio and has an older biological sister.  Before his parents got divorced they tried to save their marriage by adopting his brother, Chris.  Of course that didn't save their marriage and they divorced long before I was ever born.  His mother was borderline bipolar and he saw the effects of that growing up.  His dad is very recluse and closed off and he always resented him for being that way, especially as he was trying to deal with everything happening with his mom.  He doesn't like his parents, but the ironic thing is he grew up to be a perfect blend of everything he hates about both of them.

When I was 4 years old (almost 5) my dad came out gay to my mom.  He promised her they could still work but almost immediately disappeared after coming out.  He had been cheating on her with another man and left her shortly after.  According to my mom my sister and I didn't take it well and it was very traumatic for all of us.  She was pregnant with my brother at the time and carried him while dealing with this huge change.  My dad has always been very ashamed of the fact that he is gay and was always very scared that we wouldn't love him anymore.  He didn't officially come out to my sister and I until we were fairly old kids, though it was something I always understood and knew about him so it was no surprise to me.  He has never come out to my brother (although he knows).

For a few years when I was a kid he was dating a man named Bill.  I have so many fond memories of Bill and he was a huge staple in my life.  They broke up just after my dad came out to my sister and me.  But I always suspected he had a relationship with Bill because they lived together and slept together.  Bill was like my second dad and I remember it being a huge deal when they broke up because suddenly Bill wasn't in my life anymore.  After that my dad didn't introduce us to his partners unless it was absolutely serious.

We saw him a few times a week for most of my childhood.  We never did much, though.  He was constantly moving and lived in every type of home you could imagine.  Eventually as we got older and older we spent less and less time with him.  For awhile we didn't even want to go see him because the time mostly consisted of us sitting on the couch, watching TV, entertaining ourselves while he was doing who knows what until it was time to go.  He was never really there for us...he was supportive of me in a lot of ways my mom wasn't but he was almost never there to be supportive.

About 8 years ago he met and fell in love with a man named Damien.  They dated for a little while before moving in together. The thing is, when they moved in together it caused my dad to move to Georgia.  And I remember the impact on me was huge.  The Christmas before he moved he told me he wanted to spend more time with us.  He realized he wasn't putting us first and he wanted to do more stuff with us.  And then a few months later he moved to Georgia which is pretty far away from Ohio.  We barely saw him after that and we barely spoke.  I couldn't trust him after that.  It was one thing after another after another and then that.  I couldn't hold onto hope anymore that he would step up and be my dad.

We still barely speak to this day.  I resent him for a lot of things and have ultimately given up on expecting him to ever be a real dad to me.  I still love him, though, and understand he's had many hardships in his life.  Part of me pities him because he's constantly searching for happiness but never seems to find it.  And it's because he's not at peace with himself and he's looking in all the wrong places.  So I pity him and I love him but I am still angry and disappointed with him.

My sister, Emily
It's hard for me to know where to begin.  We were very close when we were young.  We were "the girls".  We were always so very different but so similar and we were always around one another.  We had similar struggles and had similar experiences.  We shared in them in ways nobody else had.  I was her protector.  I remember having to walk with her to the bathroom when we were kids because she was scared to go alone.  She was so full of spunk and life and she would always convince me to do crazy things...like we once strung dental floss all through our bedroom.  Or we put Vaseline on the bathroom floor and slid around.  We were so close for so long.

Then puberty hit and there was a huge move from Barberton to a small town, Sugarcreek.  I became depressed and pulled away from everyone.  Once I began to get better Emily fell into her own depression.  But she never got better.  She had experienced numerous assaults growing up that nobody knew about.  And these assaults continued through middle school and high school and beyond.  The memories were repressed for a long time but caused her to become severely depressed.  She attempted suicide countless times and was hospitalized dozens of times.  She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was given many, many different medications to help her manage it.  But they never worked.  She even underwent electroshock treatments when she was a teen but it didn't help...it only made her forget that entire chunk of her life.

The problem was she had PTSD from all those abuses but nobody knew it, not even her.  She was bipolar but living with undiagnosed PTSD and it was the driving force behind her continued suicide attempts and self mutilation.  She pushed us all away for a long time.  She violently pushed me away in particular.  She would scream at me and steal from me and laugh at me when I was so mad I began to cry.  She was vicious.  And yet I still loved her and it killed me to see her suffer.  It killed me every time she would try to die.  So I pulled away from her too, thinking it would ease the pain if she ever did succeed in taking her own life.

As she got older she began to open back up to us.  She came out as gay and introduced us to her partner, Beth.  She added us on facebook and began opening up about the abuses as she began to remember them.  She was getting help, though her bipolar disorder would often cause her to plunge back into those dark moments at least once a year.  She would attempt suicide at least twice a year.  But that was still better than it was when she was in her teens.  And she actually wanted help which was so promising.

She and Beth got engaged in June/July 2014.  Emily proposed at the beach and Beth said yes.  They moved together to Kansas where Beth taught music in school.  She was doing very well during that time but before wedding plans could be made Emily began to plunge back down.  She hurt Beth...enough to send her to the hospital on several occasions.  And it was a mixture of her addiction to pain killers and her PTSD.  She was hospitalized in early 2015 for a few months and attempted suicide numerous times while there.  Eventually she came out of it and was discharged.  But the violence still continued and the weekend of May 15th she was scheduled to finally get into a treatment center for trauma and mental illness in Delaware.

But she never made it.  On mother's day she overdosed on pain killers (that she purchased from a drug dealer) and some of Beth's medications.  She officially died shortly after midnight on May 11th 2015 (Kansas time). Pulling away from her was he stupidest thing I ever did and it didn't make her death any easier.  We're all still grieving her loss and I am full of regrets.  She is very, very missed and it's heartbreaking to know her story had to end in such a tragic way.  To this day we're not sure if it was an accidental overdose (she was addicted to them and apparently often took enough that she'd pass out for days) or suicide.

My brother, Justin
My brother is a character.  He was born on February 29, 1996 and thus only gets a real birthday once every four years (but he HATES celebrating them).  He didn't really grow up with a dad in his life since my parents got divorced when he was in the womb and my dad pulled away from us.  He was surrounded by females most of his life so I guess it's not a huge surprise that he's comfortable around women now.  Most of his friends in high school and college have been female.  Anyway, as a kid he had numerous behavioral problems.  He would get into huge fits where he would physically act out and sometimes hurt my mom.  It was super scary.  I remember a time when he shoved her into a bookcase at home and I had to jump in and pry him away from her.  He was eventually diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and ODD.  The diagnosis changed everything, though.  He got psychiatric help and my mom worked with him at home to make him more aware of his emotions and behaviors.  It worked like magic.  He hasn't hurt a fly since then.

He has always been very logical minded.  He loved to debate just to debate.  And he was always very drawn to math and science as a kid.  As he got to high school he tapped into his creative side and began to explore music.  He eventually joined choir, show choir, band, marching band, jazz band, and the annual plays and musicals.  He played the trombone in band and sang bass/baritone in the choir.  He even did some solo work in competitions and always scored high.  But he was still very logical and began to formulate a passion for architecture when he was a senior in high school.

He's now on his third year of college in Amherst, MA working toward getting a degree in architecture.  We don't talk very often but when we do we get along fabulously.  We're very similar and have grown to have the same opinions and outlooks on many, many things.  And it always fascinate me every time I find out we agree on something because we didn't really grow up together.  I graduated high school in 2009 and he was 13 years old at the time.  So we haven't really interacted much since then to influence one another.  Our similar opinions are fun to discover because of that...and I'm always intrigued to find out what they are.

I think we're especially close since my sister passed away.  It hit us both very hard and I think it made us realize the importance of siblings.  So we talk more now than we have before.  All it takes is a message on facebook and we're off.  We had a lot of bonding time the week of her funeral as well.  He makes me laugh more than anyone else in this world.  I swear he's the funniest person I know.  And he's so unique...I can't think of anyone even remotely like him.  I love him dearly and hope to continue to get closer to him as we grow.

My daughter, Isabella
On March 2nd I found out that I was pregnant after a few weeks of suspicion.  Garry and I were trying for a baby and it didn't take long.  She was born on October 14, 2016 on our 4 year wedding anniversary!  She's a sweetheart and I love her so, so much.

Relationship Status
I am happily married to my husband, Garry.  We were married on October 14, 2012 in Placerville, CA.  But we have been together since October 13, 2007 and spent the first 3 1/2 years of our relationship in a long distance relationship.  I'm from Ohio and he's from Southern California so spending time together was expensive and difficult.  But we made it through and in 2011 I moved out here to live with him.


We met over 10 years ago on a roleplaying website called Furcadia.  His character was sitting at a table and I wanted to push myself to go up to someone and talk.  So I did.  And he was the one I went up to.  We were friends for a few years and I even dated his best friend, Gregg, right before I began to date him.  We went awhile without talking in that time because he was dealing with a lot of shit at home.  But my relationship with Gregg kept us together and we finally began talking more.  Eventually I realized how wrong Gregg was for me and how I wanted to be with Garry.  So we got together right after I broke up with Gregg.  They're still best friends to this day, though, so no harm done.

We went the first 7 months of our relationship apart.  We finally got to see one another (for what would be our second time ever...we met in person when I flew out to CA to surprise Gregg and go to prom with them) in May 2008 and was lucky enough to see one another every few months for the next year.  But in 2009 Garry's home life became too much and he moved out to Ohio with us for the summer.  The plan was for him to get a job and figure out his life but that never happened.  And I didn't know whether I was going to college or not, which would have extended our long distance relationship.  Eventually he had to go back to California and I went to school in Illinois for 2 years.  In those 2 years we only spent 10 days together and it was hell.

Finally I realized I was miserable without him and something needed to change.  We discussed him moving out to Illinois but there wasn't much of a future in that.  He had moved to Northern California with his dad by that time and had a job at a casino.  So I decided to move out here to live with him in 2011.  I got a job shortly after and we've been together ever since.  It's been a wild ride and I'm sure it will continue to be, but I love him dearly.  He's my best friend and my husband and I can't imagine my life without him.

Pets
Odin
Odin is our oldest kitty.  He's a Ragdoll Siamese mix.  We got him on January 31, 2012 at the Petsmart by my work.  We went in because I was early for work and we liked to look at the cats.  Something about him stood out, though, and Garry and I fell in love with him immediately.  We adopted him the next day and he's been part of our family ever since.  He's now 5 1/2 years old and an absolute charm.  He's not really into cuddles but he adores pets.  He'll follow us around wherever we are in the apartment and lay there.  He just loves being around us and it's very rare that he won't be within a few feet radius of one of us.  He's the most dog like cat I've ever had and he's crazy smart too.  We even taught him a trick!  As he's gotten older his energy has dwindled but he still adores food and he's always there at the door to greet us when we come home.  And in the rare occasion we have company he always turns up the charm and loves on them instantly.  He's just a big old sweetheart and he's very patient too.  Garry loves to pick on him but he puts up with it lol

Nova
Nova is our newest kitty.  We got her in September 2015 when we began to have the itch to get another cat.  We searched high and low, going to Petsmarts 30 miles away to see what they had.  We found one at the same location we got Odin at.  She was very quiet and timid...but she kept rubbing her head against everything.  I put my hand up to the glass and she rubbed her face against the glass where my hand was.  I felt a connection with her.  Garry didn't so much but it was enough for him to contact Animal Outreach to see about adopting her.  It took a few days but we got her.  And she was timid as hell.  We kept her in the bathroom for about a week before letting her out at which point she spent the first few weeks mostly hiding under the bed.

Now she's much more comfortable with us and with Odin.  They got along right away but sometimes they get annoyed with one another.  Sometimes Odin pushes her too far and she'll hiss at him until he stops.  But for the most part they tolerate one another and rarely ever fight.  Her personality is SO different from Odin's.  She's incredibly independent and only wants cuddles when she demands them.  You need her permission to pet her.  You need her permission to be close to her.  But she's still so young (she's a little over a two years old) and has so much energy.  She's silly and energetic and independent but lovable.  She's grown on us and I think we've grown on her too.  I'm so happy we got her!

Religion
I am an Atheist.  I've identified as an Atheist since I was about 15 or 16 years old.  It began with a combination of my fascination in psychology and my questioning of religion.  As I mentioned I was raised Mennonite and for a long time I was devoutly Mennonite.  I wore plain clothes, I didn't touch make up, I put all my emphasis on who I was as a person and not what I looked like, I met all conflicts with 100% peace, I was extremely anti-war under any circumstances, I read the Bible all the time, I loved God and I loved Jesus, and I was Baptized into the church.  But as I got older I began to question everything.  And things just weren't adding up for me.  And as I learned more about psychology I began to realize that psychology had more answers about the supernatural/religious than the actual religion did.  And I began to realize that there is no evidence for God, let alone the Christian God.

And for a long time I lived with that.  But a few years ago I began to really explore what being an Atheist was all about.  And the more I learned about it the more I identified with it.  It's not about not believing in God.  It's about refusing to believe in a God until evidence is given (just like most people do when it comes to Santa, unicorns, Big Foot, ect).  Many Atheists (myself included) are open to the possibility of there being a God.  We just can't believe in him/them/it until there's evidence.  And I carry that thinking with me through all other aspects of my life.  I won't believe in something without sufficient evidence.

I do respect other's right to believe whatever they want, though.  I'm not here to "preach" Atheism but I'm not afraid to talk about it and I'm not afraid to bring up the things I disagree with in regards to religion.  Sometimes I will pick out awful things that religion is/supports/does.  That doesn't mean I think everyone who follows that religion is wrong or bad.  But I do have fundamental issues with most major religions and I'm not afraid to talk about it.  Also, I can't stand it when others see me as a target to "save" or convert.  I don't put up with that bullshit.  I respect you, you respect me.  End of story.  I'm happy to have discussions but I won't be the person you try to "save".

Politics
I'm very passionate about certain political topics.  Mostly I care about laws that are designed to oppress people whether it be in regards to reproductive health, abortion, LGBTQ rights, religious freedom, woman's equality, ect.  If someone's out there creating laws that restrict the rights of another human being I give a lot of shits.  And I get very angry about it too.  For the record, I am pro-choice, pro-LGBTQ rights (including but also beyond marriage), pro-separation of church and state, pro-comprehensive sex education, pro-birth control, and pro-equal pay.  Basically I think anyone of any sexual orientation, gender identity, skin color, background, belief system, ect should be treated equally under the law and in society.  And it boggles my mind to know there are so many people out there fighting so hard to keep so many people oppressed.

I'm not terribly educated on some political subjects but I always love to learn and I love reading different perspectives.  I'm the type of person who will look at the evidence and look at the human impact of something before making up my mind.  I try very hard not to get sucked into my own head and I try to keep an open mind.  So on a lot of issues I'm very passionate about I understand where the other side is coming from.  I just don't agree with it at all.  But I at least know what it is rather than clinging to an opinion I've always had for the hell of it.

Sexuality
I'm pretty sure that I'm bisexual.  I just haven't really had the opportunity to explore it before Garry and I got together.  But I suspect that I may be bisexual because I find the female body just as sexually attractive as the male body.  And there are a few women I can think of (not many but a few) that I wouldn't have minded exploring a relationship with.  But I've never been with a woman.  I've only ever been with Garry.  I lost my virginity to him when I was 17.  So I can only imagine what it would be like to have a relationship with a woman.

Recently Garry came out as poly.  He did it in the worst way and hurt me very deeply in the process.  We got through it and learned a lot from it and we are staying open to the idea of one day welcoming a female into our relationship.  It just has to be done the right way at the right time.  I'm not at a place in my life right now where I'm comfortable opening up to someone else and being so vulnerable.  Not to mention it takes a long time for me to get comfortable with someone.  So if this happens (no guarantees) it will be a long way down the road if I can ever get comfortable enough to let another woman into our life.  But it does open up a door for me to explore my bisexuality if the time comes.

As far as gender identity goes, that's a bit more complex.  I identify as a female which I was born as.  But for so long I always felt like my body was masculine.  For so long I felt like a female trapped in a male body...but my body wasn't biologically male.  I just inherited a lot of "masculine" qualities from my dad...like having a very hairy body from a young age.  I just wanted to be a female in a female body.  And it certainly didn't help that the Mennonite upbringing purposely de-emphasized outward looks.  It didn't give me the outlet to make my outside self match my inside self in the way I needed.

Now that I'm an adult and can present my body however I want I feel more comfortable.  I feel like I have a female body to match my female insides.  I still have many issues with my body but I at least no longer feel like a female trapped in a "male" body...as weird as that sounds.

Health
When I was a year old I had tubes put in my ears because of chronic ear infections.  I haven't had an ear infection since I was a kid, thankfully, but it fed into my fears as a child.  I was terrified of water for most of my childhood because I associated them with ear infections.  And I still have memories of laying on the couch waiting for the medicine to spread through my ear.

In 2015 my annual check up revealed that I had high blood pressure...but it wasn't continuous enough to put me on anything.  I just needed to monitor it and eat better.  After I got pregnant my blood pressure had lowered and has been perfect since.  They also discovered I had very low B12 levels.  Enough that I had to get shots one a month until I got pregnant.  My doctor informed me that the levels were low but not enough to cause any anemia.  I haven't had a B12 shot since.

Other than that I'm in good health.  I just need to loose weight and eat better and take care of myself.  I, unfortunately, seem to have an addiction to fast food and restaurant chains.  And I live off of carbs and sweets.  I'm overweight and have bad habits.  I'm honestly fortunate the health problems I have are my only health problems.  Considering my family history, sometimes elevated blood pressure and a B12 deficiency isn't bad.

Occupation
I work at Best Buy as a sales associate.  My specialty is cameras.  Any time anyone has a question about cameras, I'm their go to person.  Which can sometimes feel like a lot of pressure because I'm not crazy knowledgeable about all things camera.  I know more than average, yes.  But there's still a lot I don't know and sometimes I can't answer a question.  And it's difficult to tell a customer "I don't know" after being introduced as "the camera expert".  But most of the time I'll get on google or pick up the camera and find an answer and learn from that.  It's how I've accumulated as much knowledge as I have.

Currently I also sell in video games and car audio.  I have worked in computers and appliances and MP3s before but it's been so long I get pretty lost whenever I'm asked to help out.  I enjoy the department I'm in now as far as content goes.  But I do struggle with gaming since I'm not at all a gamer.  I really only know what I know based on what Garry plays.  So I could hold a conversation with you about Mass Effect or Dragon Age Inquisition but I know almost nothing about Grand Theft Auto (except that I hate it and wish it didn't exist) or Farcry.  So I have a hard time over there.

I am getting burnt out though.  I've been working there since 2011 and have seen a lot change.  I don't like where the changes are going and I don't like working for a company that's made it abundantly clear it doesn't care about me.  The pay isn't good either.  I'd really like to find a new job that could potentially be a stepping stone into something better...maybe an actual career for me.  But I don't know what that would be yet.  All I know is I need a change and soon...and I need to be making more money...and I need to be doing something fulfilling with my life.

Since the birth of my daughter I have been taking tons of pictures of her.  I feel like it's inevitable that I will one day get into photography but that may take years to accomplish.  I don't have the tools or the practice to jump into it yet.

Hobbies/Interests
I don't have many of them at the moment, unfortunately.  I've kind of neglected myself over the last few years.  Currently I'm really into livejournal and coloring in my adult coloring books.  I've also been watching a lot of let's plays...I hope to get the courage one day to maybe start a let's play sims channel of my own.  We'll see...people seem to really like them in general.  Maybe I might do well?  I dunno.

When I was a teenager I did a lot of singing.  It was what I was known for.  I was in every choir imaginable...including church choirs in the beginning.  I did a lot of solo work as well.  Never on a professional stage, though.  But it was my thing.  And it made me feel beautiful.  My style was very much operatic which I picked up from my obsession with the Phantom of the Opera growing up.  I got some voice lessons over a few years to help refine my talents.  I never anticipated on singing professionally but I always enjoyed it...and I always loved silencing a room with just my voice.  I loved the awe-stricken faces of those who heard me sing.  I loved feeling like people were looking at me and admiring how beautiful a part of me was.

I also gravitated toward photography.  It started with a point and shoot that I took lots of pictures of.  Then I began a 365, or when you take a picture every day.  Well into that year I discovered I liked taking self portraits.  And eventually those morphed into surreal photoshopped images which became more refined with time.  For awhile I was really into creating these images until I gained weight.  Then I wasn't comfortable getting in front of the camera anymore.  About two years ago I picked up the camera again and created beautiful images...but I began to struggle with myself and my art.  I have always had a hard time creating images for me...I always expect them to become popular and receive good feedback.  When that didn't happen I felt incredibly shitty and worthless.  It's very complicated but eventually I got burnt out.  I haven't created in quite awhile.  I sometime toy with the idea of getting back into it...but I don't know if I will.  My flickr page is here if you'd like to see my work.

Since the birth of my daugher I've decided to stop working on surreal composites (at least for now) and focus on newborn/portrait photography.  I especially want to refine my skills in the photojournalistic style and possibly have my own business one day going to homes and taking pictures of everyday life for families.

Another hobby of mine I haven't gotten into much lately is writing.  I'm actually a terrible writer.  But I love creating...I'm really good at thinking of interesting plot lines for stories...I just lack the ability to lay them out on paper.  I also love creating new fantasy races and worlds.  My goal is to create my own unique world complete with unique creatures and races and landscapes and weather patterns.  I have ideas for two races in mind but I haven't gotten too into it, especially recently.  But it's my goal.

Social Life
It's complicated.  Basically I don't really have one.  I haven't for a long time.  As I mentioned before it takes a LONG time for me to feel comfortable around other people.  Because of this I tend to put up walls and most people aren't willing to put the effort into breaking through them (I can't blame them one bit).  I usually get left out and left behind because of it.  I desperately want to have a friend...I want someone I can go hang out with or call when I'm upset or have a drink with.  But I don't really have that.  There are many people I'm close to but not comfortable enough to reach out and open up...and there's nobody who comes close to that in person.  I just don't have friends here...I struggle greatly to make friends.  People don't generally get me and are immediately turned off by how quiet I am.

Whenever I do have a social life it's usually tagging along with Garry to spend time with his friends.  I don't mind that because it gives me some kind of outlet but...it's still very scary and very overwhelming sometimes.  My timidness and unwillingness to open up tends to throw people off guard.  People expect me to get comfortable around others over the course of a few hours.  That's not how it works with me.  It's more like MONTHS or YEARS, depending on how safe I feel around you.  Most people aren't willing to give me that time.

So it's difficult...I desperately want a friend but struggle constantly to find one.  Sometimes I just want to give up...accept that I won't have friends or a social life and just move on.  But it's not that easy and I'm continually pulled back to that desire for friendship.

Favorite Music/Film/TV
My music tastes are all over the place.  I like everything, basically.  The only exceptions tend to be screamo/death metal/anything with screaming, jazz, and country.  I can't stand those genres.  Everything else I can listen to if the song is right.  And my tastes are all over the place.  I like J-pop, K-pop, Alternative Rock, Metal, Show Tunes, Opera, Symphonies, Hip Hop, Rock, Pop, Parodies, Disney songs...all kinds of stuff.  And there are only two bands I can claim to like...my criteria is enjoying 5 or more of their songs.  The only three so far that fall under that criteria are Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, and Imagine Dragons.  Everyone else I gather bits and pieces from.

I don't watch a lot of movies.  There's actually not many I can watch.  I'm very sensitive to blood/gore/graphic violence.  I can't watch it at all.  I get very ill and have panic attacks.  I honestly don't know how people can enjoy them let alone how it's become such a common thing in movies and TV today.  It sucks that whenever I want to see a movie I have to go to imdb first and look at the parental ratings to see what happens.  If it's something I can't handle I don't see it.  And you'd be surprised how many movies I cannot see.  Graphic violence has become such a standard part of the theater it makes me sick.  So...I tend to enjoy PG rated movies, usually Disney or Pixar, and usually some kind of comedy.  But, again, comedy sucks most of the time too because the standard in comedy anymore is to throw a bunch of gross fart/vomit/burping/pooping jokes in and call it comedy.  That's absolutely not my style at all.

The movies I do enjoy, though, are The Producers, Babies (a French documentary following 4 babies from around the world in their first year of life), Hairspray, the Shrek movies, Crazy Stupid Love, Pride and Prejudice (either version), Sense and Sensibility, Zoolander, Easy A, 17 Again, A Knight's Tale, The Hobbit Trilogy, Lord of the Rings Trilogy, and Star Wars (at least episodes 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7).

I watch a LOT of TV shows, though.  Again, there are many I can't watch because of graphic violence (looking at you Game of Thrones and the Walking Dead) but there are many, many more that I can.  Yay!  I've been really into anime lately and have seen many of them.  Some of my favorites are School Rumble (my first), Ouran High School Host Club, Soul Eater, Soul Eater Not, Hetalia, My Bride is a Mermaid, Fairytail, Bleach, Okami-san and Her Seven Companions, Princess Jellyfish, Vampire Knight, The Devil is a Part Timer, and Sword Art Online.  I love anime because the Japanese don't seem to be afraid to think outside the box.  The story lines and concepts are always so original...sometimes I'm just sick to death of the same repeated garbage that US TV keeps cranking out.  Animes don't do that...they're all so unique and creative.

But I do like some American TV.  My favorite TV show of all time is the Office (US).  I also love Parks and Recreation, The First 48, The First 48 Missing Persons, Orange is the New Black, Roseanne (excluding the last season), How I Met Your Mother, Futurama, Whose Line is it Anyway, The Chase (a game show), Chain Reaction (also a game show), Our America with Lisa Ling, and Cops.  However, I don't have TV so I don't watch these very often.  The only exception is if they're on Hulu or Netflix and I'm able to see them.  But some aren't on either and I'm just SOL.